I have always tried to limit my use of the word "scared" and instead used synonyms, such as "startled" or "surprised," when they are more accurate. Startled is an involuntary reaction that is more neutral (marching band suddenly begins playing--unexpected but not threatening), and surprised is neutral or even positive (a surprise party). It's like the difference between "anxious" (worried) and "anticipating" (waiting expectantly), which can be negative, positive, or neutral. I don't want to use loaded language in neutral situations and possibly encourage fear. I recently read an article about how girls are taught to be scared while boys are encouraged to be brave. I already knew this on some level because I have been trying to raise Lucy differently by being careful with my language and encouraging her to try things and explore. One of the things that the article points out is that girls are more likely to be told not to do something if there is risk: don't climb so high or slide down that pole. Since reading that article, I have tried to say "be careful" more than "no" and to be more specific than "be careful" when possible: "Pay attention to your feet" or "the pool is not a good place to spin until you're dizzy because the floor is so rough and makes you bleed when you fall down" (Can you tell I've said that a few times?). I don't want to discourage using a bench as a balance beam or to keep her from spinning. I just want her to be aware of her body and her context when doing these things. Sometimes she falls and bleeds, but I'm kind of proud when she says "me all right," hops up, and spins again (hopefully on a softer or smoother surface for the sake of her scraped-up little legs). I do still use the word "scared." Ignoring the word doesn't make the feeling cease to exist. When she gets out of my sight while we're playing outside or shopping in a store, I tell her I felt scared when I couldn't find her. I was worried about her. I don't want to over-alarm her, but a 2 year old on her own is not safe, so I have good reason to be scared. And I want her to know that I feel fear so that she knows it's a valid feeling. But it's just one of many feelings. In addition to not saying certain things, I've been trying to intentionally say some things. From very early in her life, I have praised Lucy's bravery when she tried new things or persevered past fear to try again. I want her to see herself as capable and confident (especially since I'm confident that she's capable of almost anything).
Since she doesn't hear "scared" from me very often, some of the language she uses comes from educational television programs. Sometimes when she says "scared," she means something closer to startled. If she runs around the corner and doesn't expect to see me, she screams. That's not new. But now she says, "Mama, you scare me." She has also said "people scare me" when she has been socially overwhelmed. And she has talked about a "scary monster." The only thing we know about the scary monster is that it howls, but right now Lucy is really into howling like a dog. She does it for fun. So it's unclear whether or not the howling makes the monster scary. She talks about "baby see scary monster." She wants to check places like the closet at a bookstore for a scary monster. She draws pictures of the scary monster, but the drawings aren't recognizable or even similar. She doesn't act particularly scared--unlike her reaction to the tiger on the law office commercial on TV that sent her screaming from the room--so it's hard to tell what's going on.
One morning she told Matt she had a bad dream. Matt asked her what it was about, and she gave a long answer that he didn't understand. The dog on Martha Speaks had a bad dream in an episode we recently watched, so that's where the term came from. I asked if there was a sheep in her bad dream, which is what the dog's dream was about, and she said no, so she wasn't just repeating someone else's bad dream. Last night she started whimpering and saying "mama" in her sleep, so she may be having bad dreams. I snuggled her closer and kissed her head, and she relaxed again.
She has also talked about how "daddy keep me safe" and "daddy keep baby safe." This is also new. We're not sure what danger daddy is protecting someone from, but she's confident in daddy's ability to protect her.
We're trying to be extra attentive to her emotions because this talk of being scared and keeping safe is coming during this period when Matt and I keep leaving her to go to doctor's appointments. We trust the people who are keeping her. They are kind and responsible people who care about or even love her. But she's working through some things enough that she's talking about scared and safe. I remember hating being left when I was little (although older than 2). Even though I knew the people I was staying with, I always felt vulnerable. I knew that the people who were keeping me didn't love me or understand me like my parents did, and I knew that as a child I was pretty much powerless. I'm not sure I had words for it at the time, but that's hoe I felt. I don't know if Lucy senses these things--I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the language to express such ideas--but I want to try to help her deal with her feelings.
I'm gradually reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Person. It's not at all surprising to me that I am a highly sensitive person according to the questionnaire in the book. There's also a parenting book by the same author (The Highly Sensitive Child), and the older Lucy becomes, the more boxes she ticks off on that questionnaire. If she is highly sensitive, she may perceive things intuitively that she can't express and may not be able to process healthily on her own. I personally know that when processing things kids can draw incorrect conclusions that can affect how they view the world for a long time, especially if they don't think to talk about those conclusions with someone who loves them and can help them correct their perceptions and assumptions. I can't read her mind, but I'm, trying to pay attention, make her feel safe and connected, and give her opportunities to talk about what she's thinking.
I'm looking forward to more feelings. It's exciting and helpful that she can tell us more about her inner life. She probably won't think to say "happy" for a while because that one is easy to express non-verbally. I've asked her a few times if she felt angry, and she always emphatically (perhaps angrily) tells me NO. Perhaps if we use the word "perplexed" enough, we can get that one on her radar. I'm sure there's plenty about being 2 that is perplexing.
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