An Emotionally Tough Weekend Survived

Most of the time I'm OK, but it's really sad to be reminded that Neil was going to be here and isn't.  While on vacation, I remembered that I had planned to take Neil swimming for the first time while in Tennessee and that I was going to take advantage of the many outlet malls to buy clothes for him.  Then my family went to the Wilmoth family reunion without me.  I had planned to take Neil to meet his extended family, and I couldn't stand to go without him this year.  The reunion began on the day Neil would have been two months old.  I had realized while reading child development books several months ago that he would be two months old by the time we started travelling and that he might have gotten to the "social smile" stage by then.  I was hoping he'd smile at everyone and make a good impression.  Then Sunday was Father's Day.  I had been looking forward to Father's Day more than Mother's Day.  I started thinking about presents for Matt in March.  And when we got home on Sunday, there was a message that Kaitlyn had been born.  I was very happy that she had arrived safely, but it was sad to be reminded that Neil was supposed to have cousins two months older and two months younger than him.  Now the cousins are here, and he isn't.

None of our other travel plans are related to Neil, so I don't expect anything to be quite as tough as this weekend was.  Our July 4th trip to Missouri will be a little tough--going back to where Neil is buried and spending time with Aiden and Kaitlyn--but having one tough trip under my belt will give me confidence that I'll survive again.  The next emotional hurdles I foresee are not having to worry about coordinating Matt's and my fall schedules around a baby, October when he would have been six months old and would have worn the cute lion outfit I got on clearance after last Halloween (and my annual pelvic exam at the OBs office is then), probably Christmas and New Year's because that's when he started moving and I started getting to know him last year, and definitely next April.

I'm up way too late right now after a pretty productive day, including blogging a much happier post about my vacation.  Plenty of rest and consistent medication are necessary for my emotional and physical well-being.  So off to bed.