I failed the one-hour blood glucose test just as I did when I was pregnant with Lucy. I've scheduled a babysitter to keep Lucy next Tuesday so that I can take the 3-hour blood glucose test. It's no fun at all. I really have to make sure I get that 11:30 p.m. snack because I won't be able to eat until after 11 a.m. I expect to pass the 3-hour one as I did when I was pregnant with Lucy. I'd hate to have another complication to add to my advanced maternal age and short, soft cervix. Every new problem ratchets up the subconscious stress that becomes conscious when I get too tired, which I have been lately.
Lucy has been a handful for the last 24 hours. More than once I've been in a situation where she refuses to do what I ask or command even when I offer reason and/or incentives. She is 2 after all. In the past, I probably would have physically removed her from a situation, which tends to move her past her stubbornness and reset the situation. But I can't move her without risking straining myself. It leaves me feeling kind of helpless. Today she refused to go down the attic stairs, and I couldn't get past her or carry her down. And then I started getting light headed. And so I sat down on a step and cried. Lucy said "Mommy sad" and laid her head on my lap, which was sweet but unhelpful. I told her I was frustrated because I was trying to keep us safe, but I couldn't keep us safe if she wouldn't go down the steps like I asked her to. That didn't convince her. Eventually, she saw something on a lower step that she wanted and went down a few steps. Then she stood up to put her hat on, which sometimes knocks her over even when she's not standing on stairs, so I took away the hat and threw it to the hallway at the bottom of the stairs to give her a reason to go down. It didn't work. She sat down on a step and cried and said, "Me sad." I explained why I did it and pointed out she could have the hat if she would just go downstairs. That didn't help. She just had to be sad for a little while, which still left me stranded on the stairs. After a while, she went down a few more steps and got to within three steps from the bottom. By this point I really needed to go to the bathroom, so I held her arm and guided her her down. I didn't lift her, but I man-handled her a bit. I didn't want to do that higher on the stairs because if I had lost my grip she would have fallen down the stairs. I decided she'd probably be OK if she fell down only two steps. Fortunately, she didn't fall. She wasn't happy with me, but I was really glad to be off of the steps.
When I feel helpless, I wonder if spanking would get better results. I know that in the moment, it would not make the situation better. She would sit down and cry, and I'm pretty sure being hit my mommy would make her more sad than having mommy throw her hat down the stairs. I'd still be on the stairs if I'd spanked her. I don't want her to bury that sadness and get used to mommy hitting her. That's horrible. So I wouldn't want to spank her for anything less than something dangerous. Associating a dangerous situation with fear and pain wouldn't necessarily be bad. My appeal to safety would be more persuasive if she had a better understanding of risk and fear, but she's two and made of rubber. But spanking her in unsafe situations doesn't necessarily make the situation safer in the moment, which is more important than teaching a lesson. And spanking after the danger has passed would associate safety after danger with pain and fear. That's not what I want either. But let's be honest, part of the reason that spanking occurs to me when I feel helpless is because I want to do something and I feel angry that a child has made me feel helpless. Hitting Lucy would satisfy that angry part of me for a second. But hitting out of anger is definitely not OK. It's not good for her or me. So I'll just have to be the adult and deal with the frustration and anger of feeling helpless. And I'll keep thinking of ways to get Lucy to comply quickly in dangerous situations.
Well, that post departed sharply from blood glucose testing. I guess it's all about my mental state. I'll feel better with more sleep, which I plan to get this weekend.
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