I've posted before about how taking care of myself is a part-time job in itself. I thought I'd elaborate on that a bit. Most people probably aren't aware of how much of my life revolves around monitoring and maintaining my energy level. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries sometimes, but mine take more effort than most because of a combination of traits and conditions.
First, I live with chronic depression. I have had symptoms of depression since 2nd grade. I started receiving treatment after college, when I was in therapy and started taking anti-depressants. After I dealt with some initial issues in therapy, I was able to work through other things myself. More than one mental health professional has told me I'm "insightful," so I haven't found talk therapy very helpful for a while. But the depression didn't go away. I wasn't crying or sad, but I was lethargic and seemed to catch and keep every illness that went around. My primary care doctor recognized that my body was still depressed and recommended that I increase my dose of anti-depressants, especially when I was sick or getting sick. And it helped. My brain needed an extra boost to help my body and immune system be well. I'm still on daily anti-depressants. I still deal with the physical symptoms of depression even at times that I'm not dealing with emotional symptoms. Mostly the physical symptoms are about energy. I fatigue easily. Sometimes sleep disturbances start the fatigue cycle, and sometimes they just exacerbate it. When I'm tired I am more likely to get sick and have trouble getting well. I'm less likely to take good care of myself. And I'm more likely to have emotional symptoms of sadness, helplessness, and loneliness--though I've never been suicidal.
My already low energy is further affected by the fact that I'm an introvert with some social anxiety. Whereas extroverts gain energy by being around people, introverts use energy to be with people and gain energy when alone. That describes me pretty well. Being with people, even people I like, uses energy. I have no trouble leading large or small groups even with no advance notice. Teaching gives me kind of a buzz before it leaves me wiped out. But it does wipe me out. The social anxiety kicks in in more social situations. If I'm leading a group, I have a defined role, and the purpose of the gathering is something other than socializing. Getting together with a few people for a dinner party, however, is nerve-wracking. The personal interaction is more intimate than leading a large group. And more interaction tends to mean more energy exerted and more fatigue.
So between the introversion, social anxiety, and chronic depression, a lot of my life is about regulating energy: maintaining consistent sleep patterns, taking care of myself, not over-committing my time and energy, and limiting participation in social activities. Unfortunately, these problems affect the way that I interact with people. I don't want to be standoffish, but interacting with people makes me tired, and being tired puts me at risk for illness and depressive episodes. And once a fatigue cycle starts, it's hard to break, so I try very hard to avoid starting one.
And now I'm hoping to be a sleep-deprived new mother. Well, I'd rather be a rested new mother, but I'm not sure those exist. I want to be a mom, so I'll live with being a sleep-deprived one. But with my conditions, I am going to have to try even harder to stay rested and energized, especially because I'll only get worse if I feel I'm failing my child by being sick or sad all the time.
As we near the end of the Mongolian period, I think it's important for people to realize that my responses to group celebrations and helpful, supportive actions after the baby arrives may not meet expectations because of my energy levels and my need to maintain them. My cloistering behavior may seem more extreme than the average new mother, but it's necessary because I'm not starting with the same pre-baby energy level as the average new mother. I have many people in my life who love me and want to help. And I really do appreciate it. But no matter how much I love you, you are a person, and interacting with you uses up my energy. Since my energy supply may be low to start with, my priority is to use it on Elsie, me, and Matt if any is left over. I tend to feel a responsibility to be gracious to well-intentioned people, but for a little while I can't be responsible for anyone else. I may feel guilty if people let me know they want more from me than I can give. Feeling guilty doesn't increase my energy. And if I attempt to meet others' expectations, then I would be using up the energy reserved for Elsie and me. I can't do that. If I have a surplus of energy, I will reach out. But if I only have enough for Elsie and me, everyone else will have to wait.
Specifically, this means that if my energy is needed elsewhere, I may not spread the word that I'm in labor. Labor is draining, so I won't be giving updates during it. I don't want people contacting me during labor for updates. If there is an emergency, Matt will contact the family/friend phone tree as soon as he's able. Otherwise, no news is good news. When there is (hopefully) good news of the arrival of our daughter, Matt will let people know as soon as possible. Pictures and details will be shared as soon as we (people without smart phones) can do it. I don't want to be visited in the hospital. Anyone who drops by our house in the week after we get home probably won't see me or the baby. I don't want to shut anyone out, but I need to keep me together. I want to keep blogging about our adventures with Elsie but may not be able to do so immediately. As soon as I am able to receive visitors and share information, I will do it. But if you don't hear from me, it's because I can't handle it yet.
I'm making my wishes about labor and early baby days known so that you can continue to love me by being patient. You can trust that I will continue to share and be open, that I'm not trying to exclude anyone. I'm trusting that you will respect my wishes, especially now that you better understand my physical/mental situation.
Having established all of the above, I have an update on induction. We were expecting a scheduled induction on Sept. 23, but the doctor surprised us and moved it up to next Monday, Sept. 16. If I don't go into labor earlier, we will be heading to the hospital Monday morning to have a baby. Now that you know when I'll be in labor and when I'll be at the hospital, I'm relying on everyone to be patient, suspend expectations, and let me interact when I have the energy to do so.
A word of caution for people who are really excited about the induction news... We are still going Mongolian until there's actually a baby to celebrate. We learned Neil had died two days before a scheduled induction; in fact, he was delivered on the day the induction had been scheduled for. Scheduling an induction does not mean we've reached a goal. It's just a sign that the goal is closer in sight.
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